


Incorrect Third Street Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [15]
Category: Recess (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 30 Rock (TV Fusion), Alternate Universe - Big Bang Theory Fusion, Blatant Age Differences, F/M, Gen, M/M, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-13 14:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21495823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: Ashley Spinelli is the executive showrunner for a late-night sketch comedy show called "The Girlie Show", that stars her close friend and major drama queen Gretchen Grundler. When GE hires a new Executive Vice President for NBC named T.J. Detweiler, he decides to take Spinelli under his wing and turn around TGS, which for years has been unable to find the proper audience it deserves. So to do so, he brings on unhinged, wildly unpredictable star Vince LaSalle to turn the series into a ratings' hit. But Spinelli soon finds out that controlling her oddball writing staff, the NBC page program, keeping Vince on a short leash, and getting him to get along with Gretchen proves to be one disaster after another.
Relationships: Gus Griswald/Cornchip Girl (Recess), Menlow/Randall Weems, Mikey Blumberg/Gus Griswald, T. J. Detweiler/Ashley Spinelli
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805





	1. Source: 30 Rock

**_[Pilot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilot_\(30_Rock_episode\))_**** [1.1]**[

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: _[to Spinelli]_ I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: What white dudes?

**Vince**: All of 'em. T.J. Detweiler. [General Electric](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Electric). [George Bush](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/George_W._Bush). Karl Robe.

**Spinelli**: Karl Robe, you say?

**Vince**: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

**Spinelli**: Sure.

\-----------------------------------

** _ [The Aftermath](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aftermath_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.2]**

_[Gretchen and Spinelli are discussing actor Vince LaSalle.]_

**[Gretchen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Maroney)**: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through [LaGuardia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaGuardia_Airport)?

**Spinelli**: Yeah.

**Gretchen**: And that he once fell asleep on [Ted Danson](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Danson)'s roof?

**Spinelli**: Yeah, Vince has mental health issues.

**Gretchen**: He bit [Dakota Fanning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dakota_Fanning) on the face.

**Spinelli**: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

\--------------------------------

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: So, how you doing over there, [Theo Huxtable](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cosby_Show)?

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_%22Toofer%22_Spurlock)**: I'm doing good.

**Vince**: Nah-uh. [Superman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superman) does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

_[Vince leaves the room.]_

**[Randall](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Rossitano)**: _[to Mikey]_ Wow, that was embarrassing for you.

\----------------------------------------

** _ [T.J. the Writer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_the_Writer) _ ** ** [1.4] **

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Parcell)**: Oh, okay.

**Vince**: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's [Shark Week](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark_Week).

**Vince**: Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.

\---------------------------------------

** _ [T.J.-Tor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack-Tor) _ ** ** [1.5] **

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Hornberger)**: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Spinelli, you _are_ racist.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: No, Vince took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting [Barack Obama](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Barack_Obama).

_[T.J. in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]_

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

\-----------------------------------------

** _ [T.J. Meets Bob](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Meets_Dennis) _ ** ** [1.6]**

**Bob**: Hi. Bob, Beeper King.

**T.J.**: The Beeper King, really?

**Spinelli**: Bob has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.

**Bob**: You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?

**T.J.**: I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.

**Spinelli**: It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Bob has some dietary restrictions.

**Bob**: Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Bob.

**Bob**: That douchebag up front made me wear it.

**T.J.**: Does he know you're the Beeper King?

**Bob**: I don't think so.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.

**Bob**: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.

**Spinelli**: No rat talk tonight, okay.

**Bob**: _[to T.J.]_ You know there are 17 rats per person in [Manhattan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manhattan). You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

**T.J.**: I think I read about that in _[The New Yorker](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_New_Yorker)_. _[pause]_ Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

\------------------------------------

**T.J.**: Whenever I have a problem, I tackle it head on. A year ago I was an inch and a half shorter. Sheer willpower.

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am [Wayne Brady](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wayne_Brady).

**Spinelli**: Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

\------------------------------------

** _ [Vince Does Conan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Does_Conan) _ ** ** [1.7]**

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: Conan, Vince’s really excited to be back on your show.

**[Conan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conan_O%27Brien)**: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.

**T.J.**: Well, Vince’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.

**Conan**: That’s what they said about [Hasselhoff](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Hasselhoff), then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

**T.J.**: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

**Conan**: What’s the hard way?

**T.J.**: You do a live [Christmas Eve](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Eve) special from Kabul every year until the [War on Terror](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_on_Terror) is won.

**Conan**: Tell Vince I’ll see him tonight, you [Black Irish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Irish) bastard.

**T.J.**: Back at you, Red.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: Why are you wearing a tux?

**T.J.**: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

\--------------------------------------

** _ [The Break-Up](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Break-Up_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.8]**

_ Vince LaSalle in drag talking with Randall Weems_

**[Randall](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Rossitano)**: Yeah it's pretty good but I think the boobs should swing more.

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: Yeah then I could go "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom booms."

\--------------------------------------

_[Man walks up to Spinelli at the bar]_

**Gentleman**: Excuse me, is this seat taken?

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: _[sighs]_ Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?

_[Man leaves]_

**[Gretchen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Maroney)**: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

**Spinelli**: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

**Bob**: _[Reading from a letter]_ Dear Ashley Spinelli: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the [‘86 World Series](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1986_World_Series), I cried… I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we’d be together forever. But there’s a new thing called "women’s liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I’ll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

\--------------------------------------

** _The Baby Show_ ** ** [1.9]**

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: What's going on, business got ya down?

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: _Business_ doesn't get me down, _business_ gets me off.

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: This is untoward! This is _not_ toward!

\-----------------------------------

** _ [The Rural Juror](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rural_Juror) _ ** ** [1.10]**

**[Gretchen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Maroney)**: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on _[The View](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_View_\(U.S._TV_series\))_.

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pete_Hornberger)**: Oh, Gretchen, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

**Gretchen**: Yeah, I know!

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: So [GE](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GE) will produce the Vince LaSalle Meat Machine?

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. _[T.J. rolls down a complex [organizational chart](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Organizational_chart) ]_ You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns [Winnipeg](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Winnipeg) Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of [Pyongyang](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyongyang), North Korea, and _they_ will make the Meat Machine.

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

\--------------------------------------

** _The Head and the Hair_ ** ** [1.11]**

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Parcell)**: Thank you, sir!

**T.J.**: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Menlo, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

\---------------------------------------

_[T.J., who has traded jobs with Menlo, has bought Butch the wrong salad]_

**Butch**: Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

**T.J.**: Yes. You asked for _[pulls out a sheet of paper]_ one spinach salad.

**Butch**: Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

**T.J.**: Should I take it back?

**Butch**: I'm supposed to treat you like Menlo, right?

**T.J.**: That is correct.

**Butch**: _[angrily]_ Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! _[to Menlo, who is standing in the doorway]_ Too much?

**Menlo**: No, that's usually how it goes.

\---------------------------------------

** _Black Tie_ ** ** [1.12]**

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?

**[Gretchen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Maroney)**: Oh, you're right, Spinelli! I should go for it!

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

**Gretchen**: No, _you're_ a good friend and thank you.

**T.J.**: I had lunch with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: Gross.

\--------------------------------------

** _ [Up All Night](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_All_Night_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.13]**

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.

**Swinger Girl**: Fine.

**T.J.**: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.

**Swinger Girl**: Fine.

**T.J.**: I want all of our love letters.

**Swinger Girl**: _[laughing]_ Fine.

**T.J.**: I want all of your parents' love letters.

**Swinger Girl**: Fine.

**T.J.**: I want full stake in the [Arby's](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arby%27s) franchise we bought outside of Telluride.

**Swinger Girl**: Oh, dammit Teej, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

\--------------------------------------

**[Butch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josh_Girard)**: Upside-Down Girl said she would do it with you.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Parcell)**: Well that just makes me perspire.

\---------------------------------------

**Hector**: I work up in Legal, and —

**Spinelli**: [interrupting] You're a lawyer?

**Hector**: I prefer... Law Stylist

\-----------------------------------

** _The C Word_ ** ** [1.14]**

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: I've asked Vince to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: Was [Courtney Love](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Courtney_Love) not available?

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: Damn straight. I'm delightful.

\-----------------------------------

_[looking at a basket of kittens]_

**Spinelli**: Oh...Look at theeese guuuys

**Cat Wrangler**: They like you. They're very good as sensing debilitating loneliness in a person. Do you wanna adopt one?

**Spinelli**: I can't, I'm allergic to anything warm and adorable.

\-------------------------------------

_[attempting to explain the word used to insult her]_

**Spinelli**: It rhymes with your favorite [Todd Rundgren](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Todd_Rundgren) album.

**[Randall](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Rossitano)**: It rhymes with _[Hermit of Mink Hollow](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermit_of_Mink_Hollow)_?

\-------------------------------------

** _ [Hard Ball](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hard_Ball) _ ** ** [1.15]**

**Digger Sam**: Yo, Menlo, we need to talk now.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Parcell)**: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

**[Gretchen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenna_Maroney)**: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture [Barack Obama](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama) before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.

\-----------------------------------

** _The Source Awards_ ** ** [1.16]**

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: I truly don't like you as a person. _[inspirational music starts playing]_ Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?

**Digger Dave**: Spinelli, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.

**Spinelli**: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.

**Digger Dave**: No, no, no, no, no. _[music stops]_ Some women are gay.

**T.J.**: That's where Detweiler Estates comes in. Now as you may have read in Robert Parker's Wine Newsletter, "Detweiler Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus."

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: Wow. The manatee becomes the Mento.

\--------------------------------------

** _ [The Fighting Irish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fighting_Irish) _ ** ** [1.17]**

**[Vince](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracy_Jordan)**: So what's your religion, Ashley Spinelli?

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: I pretty much just do whatever [Oprah](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oprah_Winfrey) tells me to.

**Vince**: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the _white_ alphabet. Wait... what was the question?

\--------------------------------------

** _ [Fireworks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireworks_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.18]**

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Parcell)**: So Mr. Detweiler, what can I do for you?

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?

**Menlo**: No sir, we just talked about [Anderson Cooper](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anderson_Cooper) mostly.

**T.J.**: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.

**Menlo**: Really? So did I!

**T.J.**: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.

**Menlo**: Ok. What kinds of questions?

**T.J.**: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for _[A Chorus Line](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Chorus_Line)_ for tonight. Now Menlo, have you ever used [bronzer](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunless_tanning)?

\--------------------------------------

**T.J.**: Tubby, what can I do for you?

**Tubby**: I think we're way past that T.J.. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.

**T.J.**: Tubby, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.

**Tubby**: Yeah? Well you should be.

**T.J.**: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.

**Tubby**: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.

**T.J.**: No, Tubby. I don't do that.

\------------------------------------------

** _ [Corporate Crush](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporate_Crush) _ ** ** [1.19]**

_[Spinelli enters a room and stands behind T.J.]_

**[T.J.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Donaghy)**: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: How do you do that without turning around?

**T.J.**: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were _not_ you, but... here we are.

**T.J.**: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and [left-handedness](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-handedness).

\------------------------------------

** _ [Cleveland](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleveland_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.20]**

**Cindy**: You know how [John Lennon](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/John_Lennon) was better than all the rest of the [Beatles](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beatles) but he never realized it until he met [Yoko](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Yoko_Ono)? Well I'm gonna be T.J.'s Yoko!

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: You _want_ to be Yoko?!

**Hector**: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

** _ [Hiatus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiatus_\(30_Rock\)) _ ** ** [1.21]**

**Emma**: _[referring to Cindy]_ All right, [scout's honor](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Scout%27s_honor), what do you think of her?

_[T.J. gives Spinelli a look]_

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liz_Lemon)**: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes T.J. very happy. She's like a... white geisha.

**Emma**: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!

\------------------------------------------

**T.J.**: You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Vince, or we are gonna be screwed.

**Spinelli**: Okay.

**T.J.**: Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got [Nixon](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Richard_Nixon) to agree to come on the show and say "Sock It To Me."


	2. Source: The Big Bang Theory

**_[The Robotic Manipulation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep64)_ [4.01]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=1)]

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Well, my work in Physics, his work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.

**Spinelli**: _[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Gus's robot]_ Thank you.

**TJ**: Wait a minute, a child? You never see this guy, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.

**Menlo**: Randall pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.

**Gus**: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Menlo.

**Spinelli**: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Menlo. Right, Menlo?

**Menlo**: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.

**Randall**: That's an amusing factoid.

**Menlo**: Thank you.

**Spinelli**: No, no. My point is tonight is Menlo's first official date. Discuss.

**Randall**: Is this true?

**Menlo**: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.

**Spinelli**: So, Randall, what about you? Do you date much?

**Randall**: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Spinelli? Do you go on many dates?

**Spinelli**: Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. _[Menlo chuckles]_ What's _[imitating chuckle]_?

**Menlo**: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."

**Spinelli**: Wha-Where did you get 171 men?

**Menlo**: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...

**Spinelli**: Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did _not_ start dating at 15.

**Menlo**: I'm sorry. 16?

**Spinelli**: 14.

**Menlo**: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

**Randall**: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

**Spinelli**: No!

**Menlo**: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...

**Spinelli**: Okay, Menlo, I think you made your point.

**Menlo**: So we multiply 193—minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so—172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.

**Spinelli**: Okay, Menlo, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. _[To a passing waiter]_ I'm gonna need a drink over here.

**Randall**: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Spinelli, to your mind, are you a slut?

**Spinelli**: No! No! _[suddenly unsure]_ No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?

**Menlo**: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

**Randall**: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?

**Menlo**: I should think so.

**Randall**: Then 128.

**_[The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep65)_ [4.02]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=2)]

_[Menlo suggests taking up jogging]_

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Have you ever run before?

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

_[Mikey whispers in Gus's ear]_

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: You're right, Spinelli jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.

**Menlo**: That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!

**Spinelli**: No, it won't.

_[TJ is taking Menlo's MVPD to work in their car]_

**Menlo**: I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like _[Knight Rider](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight_Rider)_.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Except, in _Knight Rider_, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.

**Menlo**: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. _[an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen]_ There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?

**TJ**: I was wrong. This is exactly like _Knight Rider_.

**_[The Zazzy Substitution](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep66)_ [4.03]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=3)]

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Alrighty! What's new?

**Randall**: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Mendall", and I don't like that.

**Spinelli**: Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was—you know—how's your life?

**Randall**: Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

_[After his "breakup" with Randall. Menlo is replacing him with cats]_

**TJ**: Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

**Menlo**: You don't have to sell me on cats, TJ. I'm already a fan.

**_[The Hot Troll Deviation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep67)_ [4.04]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=4)]

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Menlo doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Mikey wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Gus won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and TJ is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.

**Spinelli**: You want the fruit platter?

**TJ**: Does it have melon on it?

**Spinelli**: Yeah.

**TJ**: No, I can't eat melon.

**TJ**: That's great news about you and Teresa [getting back together]!

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.

**TJ**: Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.

**Gus**: Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!

**TJ**: Yeah, and don't you forget it!

**_[The Desperation Emanation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep68)_ [4.05]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=5)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: _[after Randall proposed for Menlo to meet his mother]_ What am I supposed to do?

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?

**Menlo**: TJ, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.

**TJ**: Alright, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

**Menlo**: Screwed! _[he realizes what he said]_

**TJ**: There you go.

**Randall**: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.

**Menlo**: Randall Donahue Weems, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

**Randall**: I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-boy-slash-friend status?

**Menlo**: Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

**Randall**: Menlo, please, you're suffocating me.

**_[The Irish Pub Formulation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep69)_ [4.06]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=6)]

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: TJ, wake up.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Huh? Huh, jus', sorry.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: What for?

**TJ**: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my go-to response.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: You know I can't keep a secret!

**TJ**: You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?

**Menlo**: Why do you get to be [Batman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman)?

**TJ**: Because the Batman has the secret.

**Menlo**: Alfred has secrets, too!

**TJ**: Like what?

**Menlo**: Alfred knows that [Barbara Gordon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbara_Gordon) is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

**_[The Apology Insufficiency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep70)_ [4.07]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=7)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: If only there was a way to force Gus to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

**Menlo**: Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

_[Menlo pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]_

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: You're giving me a couch cushion?

**Menlo**: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.

_[Everyone looks at him in shock]_

**Gus**: _[aghast]_ But... you love that spot!

**Menlo**: No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.

_[Gus is speechless]_

**Mikey**: _[crying]_ Oh, my God, dude. Now you _have_ to forgive him.

**_[The 21-Second Excitation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep71)_ [4.08]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=8)]

**Randall**: So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.

**Spinelli**: You know, Randall, when we say girl talk, that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.

**Randall**: Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

**Spinelli**: So, what do you wanna' do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?

**Teresa**: Or we could just stay here?

**Randall**: Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

**Randall**: Well, the Internet suggests that another popular slumber party activity is experimentation with fornication.

**Teresa**: Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

**_[The Boyfriend Complexity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep72)_ [4.09]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=9)]

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: You'll never guess what just happened!

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

**TJ**: No.

**Menlo**: _[Genuinely disappointed]_ Aw.

**TJ**: Spinelli kissed me.

**Menlo**: Well, who would ever guess that?

**Teresa**: So we just sit and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: I did it with you when we rented _[The Notebook](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Notebook_\(film\))_.

**_[The Alien Parasite Hypothesis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep73)_ [4.10]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=10)]

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Who'd want to become "Rat Man"?

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajesh_Koothrappali)**: Who wouldn't?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were Rat Man, you could be my sidekick; "Mouse Boy".

**Gus**: Mouse Boy?

**Mikey**: You don't like Mouse Boy? How about "Kid Vermin"?

**Gus**: First of all, if we were going to have superpowers, I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.

**Mikey**: Rat Man is nobody's sidekick!

**Gus**: TJ, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?

**Mikey**: Yeah, TJ, who?

_[long pause]_

**TJ**: Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.

**Randall**: Spinelli's friend, Lawson, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Hoo?

**Randall**: Lawson.

**Menlo**: Then why did you ask?

**Randall**: Ask what?

**Menlo**: Who?

**Randall**: Lawson.

**Menlo**: Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Lawson walked in?

**Randall**: Hoo!

**Menlo**: Lawson.

**Randall**: Why do you keep saying 'Lawson'?

**Menlo**: Because you keep saying 'Who'.

**Randall**: I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.

**Menlo**: And the answer was Lawson, correct?

**Randall**: There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"

**Menlo**: _[short pause]_ Alright. I think I have enough to go on.

**_[The Justice League Recombination](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep74)_ [4.11]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=11)]

_[The guys are playing [Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_games)]_

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajesh_Koothrappali)**: Water demon.

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Ice dragon.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: _[victorious tone of voice]_ Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Not so fast! Infinite Menlo.

**TJ**: Infinite Menlo?!

**Menlo**: Yes, Infinite Menlo defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

**TJ**: Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?

**Menlo**: No. Although, it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

**Lawson**: You know, I saw this great thing on the [Discovery Channel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discovery_Channel): turns out that if you kill a [starfish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/starfish), it'll just come back to life.

**Menlo**: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching [Nickelodeon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SpongeBob_SquarePants).

**Lawson**: No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.

**TJ**: They might be smarter than _some_ people. _[Menlo and Mikey laugh; Spinelli is disgusted]_

**Lawson**: _[oblivious]_ Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.

**Menlo**: That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.

**Spinelli**: _[after Lawson leaves]_ You know, for a bunch of guys who claim to have spent a lot of their life being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.

**Mikey**: _[after Spinelli closes the door]_ What the hell did I do?

**Spinelli**: _[opening door back up]_ You laughed. _[Mikey immediately shuts up]_

**_[The Bus Pants Utilization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep75)_ [4.12]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=12)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

_[after TJ kicked Menlo out of the app team]_

**Menlo**: Alright, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: What the hell are bus pants?

**Menlo**: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

**TJ**: Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.

**Menlo**: Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!

**TJ**: You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

**_[The Love Car Displacement](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Love_Car_Displacement)_ [4.13]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=13)]

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Hey, you guys ready to order?

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now..._[checks his watch]_ 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh... "How are they hanging?"

**Spinelli**: _[writing]_ Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Menlo's hamburger.

**Spinelli**: _[about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment]_ Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!

**Menlo**: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.

**Spinelli**: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". _[leaves]_

**Randall**: That does seem to be a valid principle.

**Menlo**: _[waves him off]_ I trust Spinelli will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.

**Randall**: I don't believe there's any such thing.

**Menlo**: _[to TJ]_ You lied to me?

**_[The Thespian Catalyst](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep77)_ [4.14]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=14)]

_[The guys are reading responses to Menlo's lecture]_

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: I found another Tweet from a student at Menlo's lecture: _[from his phone]_ "Dr. Menlo has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."

_[Mikey laughs]_

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Listen to this one: _[from his phone]_ "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Menlo, it falls out of the sky, dead?"

_[Gus and TJ laugh]_

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajesh_Koothrappali)**: _[while on a laptop]_ Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their [Flickr](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flickr) account.

_[Gus and TJ have a look on the laptop]_

**TJ**: _[amazed]_ _Wow_. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?

**Gus**: Apparently, if you're Menlo, all you need to do is turn your back.

_[Spinelli enters]_

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Hey, TJ, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.

**TJ**: Oh, Menlo changed the password. It's now "Spinelli is a freeloader"... no spaces.

**Spinelli**: _[typing on her phone]_ Thanks. What are you guys doing?

**TJ**: Menlo gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.

**Spinelli**: Oh, how'd he do?

**Gus**: Well, picture the [Hindenburg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindenburg_disaster) meets [Chernobyl](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chernobyl_disaster) meets [Three Mile Island](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Mile_Island_accident) meets _[Tron 2](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tron:_Legacy)_.

**Spinelli**: That bad, huh?

**TJ**: _[going to Spinelli with his phone]_ Read this woman's Tweet.

**Spinelli**: _[reading from TJ's phone]_ "Listening to Dr. Menlo's made me want to start cutting myself again."

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: _[looking at Tweets about his lecture on Mikey's laptop]_ I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".

**TJ**: Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".

**Menlo**: _[unsettled]_ Well, suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.

_[He starts to walk to his bedroom]_

**Menlo**: _[very quickly, looking back at his friends]_ I didn't want to teach those poopy-heads, anyway! _[leaves]_

**Gus**: _[short pause]_ FYI, I think that's what [Darth Vader](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader) said just before he started building the [Death Star](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Star).

**_[The Benefactor Factor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep78)_ [4.15]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=15)]

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajesh_Koothrappali)**: Here's what I wonder about zombies. _[The others groan]_ What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: _[To TJ]_ You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!

**Mikey**: Yeah, okay, so zombies?

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: I guess it depends on the zombies, Mikey, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in _[28 Days](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/28_Days)_ if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.

**Gus**: You're thinking of _[28 Days Later](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/28_Days_Later)_. _[28 Days](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/28_Days)_ is when [Sandra Bullock](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Sandra_Bullock) goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

_[Randall is trying to convince Menlo to go to a university fundraiser he has boycotted]_

**Randall**: And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like TJ and Michael.

**Menlo**: Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!

**Randall**: Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.

**Menlo**: Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!

**Randall**: Or worse, it could go to... _[leans in dramatically]_ the [liberal arts](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Liberal_arts).

**Menlo**: No.

**Randall**: _[nods]_ Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

**Menlo**: Oh, the humanities!

**_[The Cohabitation Formulation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep79)_ [4.16]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=16)]

**Mrs. Griswald**: _[as Gus is unlocking the front door]_ Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! _[goes inside]_

**Mrs. Griswald**: Where were you so late?!

**Gus**: I was out with Teresa!

**Mrs. Griswald**: I know what that means! I watch [Dr. Phil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Phil_\(TV_series\))! _[short pause]_ I hope to God you used a condom!

**Gus**: I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!

**Mrs. Griswald**: God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!

**Gus**: Nobody has a disease!

**Mrs. Griswald**: I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother [herpies](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex)!?

**Gus**: That's it! I don't have to take this! _[comes back outside, yelling at the front door]_ And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!

_[He starts to leave, then goes back to the door and unlocks it again]_

**Mrs. Griswald**: Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!

**Gus**: _[going back inside]_ Still leaving; I just forgot my [Claritin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loratadine)!

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: What's going on?

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Oh, Gus's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.

**Menlo**: Did you offer him a hot beverage?

**TJ**: _[long pause]_ No.

**Menlo**: TJ, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.

**Gus**: Tea does sound nice.

**Menlo**: You heard the man, TJ. _[snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]_

_[TJ starts to walk to the kitchen]_

**Menlo**: And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

**_[The Toast Derivation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep80)_ [4.17]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=17)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Where are you going?

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: I'm having dinner with Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe at Mikey's. I think Gus's gonna be there; you wanna join us?

**Menlo**: But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like [Jackie Chan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackie_Chan).

**TJ**: Can we make a one time exception for tonight?

**Menlo**: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

**TJ**: Just come with me to Mikey's.

**Menlo**: I don't want to go to a party.

**TJ**: It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.

**Menlo**: I'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.

**TJ**: How come it's not a party when we do it over here?

**Menlo**: Because we don't throw parties.

**Gus**: Hey, Mikey, did you ever tell your sister about the time Menlo got punched by Bill Gates?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Oh, God, you're kidding!

**Mikey**: _[laughing]_ No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Menlo went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."

**TJ**: _[laughing at the memory]_ Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

**_[The Prestidigitation Approximation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep81)_ [4.18]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=18)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: _[frustrated in trying to figure out Gus's magic trick]_ This deck is rigged in some fashion.

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that.

**Menlo**: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?

**Gus**: _[shouting]_ I'm saying, believe in magic, you [Muggle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muggle)!

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: _[to Gus]_ Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.

**Menlo**: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.

**Spinelli**: C'mere. _[whispers in Gus's ear]_

**Gus**: You're right.

**Spinelli**: Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

**_[The Zarnecki Incursion](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep82)_ [4.19]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=19)]

**Spinelli**: Did you know that last weekend Phoebe took TJ rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?

**Teresa**: I feel like I'm supposed to say "that bitch!", but I don't have enough information.

**Spinelli**: I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.

**Teresa**: I took Gus to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

**Spinelli**: So what's the thanks that I get for turning TJ into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!

**Randall**: _[to Teresa]_ I think you're on.

**Teresa**: Oh. _[To Spinelli]_ That bitch!

_[TJ knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]_

**Todd Zarnecki**: Who is it?

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Your doom!

**[Mikey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rajesh_Koothrappali)**: Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?

**Menlo**: Good point. _[to the door]_ Basket of puppies.

**_[The Herb Garden Germination](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep83)_ [4.20]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=20)]

_[Randall knocks on Spinelli's door, getting ready to spread a false rumor as part of an experiment]_

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: Oh, hey, Randall. What's up?

**Randall**: _[quickly]_ Menlo and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. _[leaves]_

**Menlo:** I must say, Randall, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.

**Randall:** Slow down, Menlo. I'm not quite there yet.

**_[The Agreement Dissection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep84)_ [4.21]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=21)]

[_Menlo has joined Spinelli, Teresa and Randall Donahue Weems on their girls night out at a bar_]

**Spinelli**: Menlo, have you ever kissed anyone?

**Menlo**: Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.

**Teresa**: That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?

**Spinelli**: Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?

**Randall**: I'm available for experimentation [_turns towards Menlo and puckers up_]

**Menlo**: Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

**Randall**: Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [_turns to Spinelli and kisses her, all three start giggling_]

**Menlo**: I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: Morning, Menlo.

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.

**TJ**: Why would I want to do that?

**Menlo**: Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor [Frank Gorshin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Gorshin), in the _Star Trek_ episode "[Let That Be Your Last Battlefield](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_That_Be_Your_Last_Battlefield)"?

**TJ**: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the [Enterprise](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starship_Enterprise) and kill them both unless he gave in?

**Menlo**: Affirmative. _[Turns to laptop]_ Computer, this is Dr. Taylor Menlo. _[laptop beeps in response]_ Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

**Voice from laptop**: Self-destruct sequence activated.

_[Menlo turns the laptop toward TJ and Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe, showing a timer counting down from one minute]_

**TJ**: What are you gonna do, Menlo, blow up the apartment?

**Menlo**: That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: So what happens when it counts down?

**Menlo**: Unless TJ signs the new agreement in the next..._[checks timer]_ 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff TJ Detweiler.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: _[worried]_ Oh, my God.

**TJ**: What's the big deal?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Trust me, it's a big deal.

**TJ**: They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Yeah, of course, just not today.

**Menlo**: 20 seconds.

**TJ**: Are you ashamed of me?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Of course not.

**TJ**: Then why can't we just tell your parents?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Please don't push this.

**Menlo**: He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Okay, fine, Menlo, you win. Turn it off.

**TJ**: No, he's bluffing.

**Menlo**: I never bluff. 10.

**TJ**: It's blackmail!

**Menlo**: 9.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: We give up.

**Menlo**: 8.

**TJ**: _[unhooking the laptop]_ This is ridiculous.

**Menlo**: It's a laptop with a full charge. _[to Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe]_ Honestly, what do you see in him?

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.

**Menlo**: 3.

**TJ**: Really?

**Menlo**: 2.

**TJ**: Okay, I'll sign it!

_[Menlo hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]_

**Voice from laptop**: Self-destruct sequence aborted.

**Menlo**: _[to Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe as he stands up and leaves]_ You may have gone to [Cambridge](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cambridge_University), but I'm an honorary graduate of Star-Fleet Academy.

**_[The Wildebeest Implementation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep85)_ [4.22]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=22)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for 3-person [chess](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/chess).

**[TJ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Hofstadter)**: That _is_ good news. Bye. _[starts to leave]_

**Menlo**: Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: transitional quadrilateral to triangular tesselation.

**TJ**: That... that's _brilliant_.

**Menlo**: It's what I do.

_[Randall's phone rings with a text message from Teresa, who is having dinner with Gus, TJ, and Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe]_

**Randall**: Hang on. _[looks at her phone]_ It's the wildebeest. Phoebe just made a snide comment about your acting career.

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: What the hell did she say?

**Randall**: She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.

**Spinelli**: _[short pause]_ That _bitch!_

**_[The Engagement Reaction](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)#ep86)_ [4.23]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=23)]

**[Spinelli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penny_\(The_Big_Bang_Theory\))**: You wanna talk about crazy mothers, TJ's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: Oh, the poor thing.

**Spinelli**: It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.

**Upside-Down Girl/Phoebe**: It does, doesn't it.

**Spinelli**: It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not doze off, you'll never hear the end of it.

_[They walk past the bio-hazard room not noticing Menlo is being restrained by doctors for being exposed to the illness in the room]_

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: Help me! Come back! Spinelli!

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Hey, how'd it go?

**Teresa**: You're a putz! You know what that means?

**Gus**: Yeah, do you?

**Teresa**: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.

**Gus**: And are you?

**Teresa**: No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.

**Gus**: Well, based on the available evidence...

**Teresa**: Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.

**Gus**: _[as Teresa walks away]_ Where are you going?

**Teresa**: _[like Mrs. Griswald]_ To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!

**Gus**: _[to TJ and Mikey after she leaves]_ Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

**_[The Roommate Transmogrification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Roommate_Transmogrification)_ [4.24]**[[edit](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=The_Big_Bang_Theory_\(season_4\)&action=edit&section=24)]

**[Menlo](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheldon_Cooper)**: I must say, Randall, I was very impressed to see that Teresa got her PhD.

**Randall**: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.

**Menlo**: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.

**Randall**: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Teresa studies yeast, the organism responsible for [Michelob Lite](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michelob#Michelob).

**[Gus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Wolowitz)**: Hey, what's up?

**Mrs. Griswald**: Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

**Gus**: No, mom, it's Mikey!

**Mrs. Griswald**: He's a doctor too, right?

**Gus**: Yes.

**Mrs. Griswald**: Like TJ and that skinny weirdo?

**Gus**: Menlo. Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.

**Mrs. Griswald**: And whose fault is that?

**Author's Note:**

> I low-key hate how this website spells "Menlo" as "Menlow". Anyone with me?


End file.
